Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Hump Day Food and Gas Next Stop

God bless my friends who send me great clips and photos for humor...
I remember taking my kids to the zoo when they were little and seeing similar events,
then trying to explain why that isn't appropriate human behavior.

video

Trucker vs. Gangster

A friend sent this to me in email, unknown source
This fine upstanding member of the infamous 18th Street LA gang decided one day that he would try to car-jack a semi truck at gun point.

The gangster jumped up on the driver side
 while the truck was in motion and stuck a gun in the drivers face.... 
The only problem was that the truck driver opened the door and knocked the attempted thief off.

He lost his balance and fell under the wheels of the truck, at which time the driver slammed on
his brakes, resting on top of him and decided that this was the perfect time to whip out his Fuji Disposable camera while he 'detained' the robber. 



Hump Day Humor, Extreme Redneck

You know you're an EXTREME Redneck When.....  

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.  


2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.  


3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.  


4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night..  


5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.  


6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.  


7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.  

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.  

9. Your junior prom offered day care.  


10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.  


11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.  


12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.  


14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.  


15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.  


16. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

The Value of Time

Since the year is coming to a close rapidly, it is time to reflect on the priorities that have 
consumed  us over the past 365 days.  Perhaps even make some changes.
  
To realize 
The value of a sister/brother 
Ask someone 
Who doesn't have one. 
  
To realize 
The value of ten years: 
Ask a newly 
Divorced couple. 
  
To realize 
The value of four years: 
Ask a graduate. 
  
To realize 
The value of one year: 
Ask a student who 
Has failed a final exam. 
  
To realize 
The value of nine months: 
Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn. 
  
To realize 
The value of one month: 
Ask a mother 
Who has given birth to 
A premature baby. 
  
To realize 
The value of one week: 
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper. 
  
To realize 
The value of one minute: 
Ask a person 
Who has missed the train, bus or plane. 
  
To realize 
The value of one second: 
Ask a person 
Who has survived an accident. 
  
Time waits for no one. 
  
Treasure every moment you have. 
  
You will treasure it even more when 
You can share it with someone special. 
  
To realize the value of a friend or family member: 
  
LOSE ONE. 
  
The origin of this letter is unknown, 
But it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on. 
  
Remember.... 
  
Hold on tight to the ones you love! 

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

The Best Gift

I know I've read this somewhere before, but it still doubles me up laughing.
I know we all know someone who's face you can just picture doing the same thing!

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
 
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, 
with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her 
adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some 
assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:
 
A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
 

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
 
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst 
just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. 

WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, 

One
 note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent 
thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
  • My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. 
  • The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
  • My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
  • My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
  • I had no control over the drooling.
  • Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
  • I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS:
 My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

Why Kids Need Pets

Some great shots of kids with pets and why kids need them..

To watch cartoons with
 To yell at the neighbor's cat with
 To clean their face when mom's not around
 To use as a couch pillow
 To sit on and read
 To make a large sofa cozy
 To use as a blankie when theirs is in the wash
 To play staring games with
 To keep from rolling off the sofa
 To shade their eyes
 To hold the binky while they nap
 To read funny stories to
 As a step stool to get those forbidden cookies
 To sun bathe with
And to thank heaven for each other... 

Economics for Dummys

So as not to offend, I'm sure not everyone will agree, however, from a humorous standpoint
you have to admit that putting things into a perspective that most people can grasp is brilliant.

This puts it into a much better perspective and is the same for many countries in Europe…

Why the U.S. was downgraded:
U.S. Tax revenue: $2,170,000,000,000
Fed budget: $3,820,000,000,000
New debt: $ 1,650,000,000,000
National debt: $14,271,000,000,000
Recent budget cuts: $ 38,500,000,000

Let's now remove 8 zeros and pretend it's a household budget:
Annual family income: $21,700
Money the family spent: $38,200
New debt on the credit card: $16,500
Outstanding balance on the credit card: $142,710
Total budget cuts: $385
Got it ?

OK now Lesson # 2:
Here's another way to look at the Debt Ceiling:

Let's say, you come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood.
...and your home has sewage all the way up to your ceilings.

What do you think you should do
…Raise the ceilings, or pump out the crap?

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Holiday Party Drinking and Driving, Bad Idea

Since the Christmas holidays are fast approaching and you may be attending festivities where alcohol might be served, I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. 

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.  A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice bourbon.  Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.  I arrived back safely and without incident, which was a real surprise since I had never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

A friend sent this in email, I'm still laughing...

Remember to look for the humor in life....especially during the holidays, when you see "dumb" comin' at ya from everywhere.  NO parking space is worth the expense of stupid.




 Apparently, it's the car which is smarter




Reposted from Oddee

Achmed Christmas Carol

I really enjoy the art and humor of Jeff Dunham, Achmed the dead terrorist is one of his creations

This is too good....

Why They're Called Boobs

I know you were wondering why they are called "boobs"...

This is a graph to illustrate

And now you can rest knowing this little factoid.

No need to thank me...
Just trying to keep friends informed
and educated.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Wooden Cars

Jalopnik has posted the ten coolest wooden cars of all time, here are a few, great read!
Before carbon fiber there was wood...






In 2010 at Wavecrest in Encinitas there 2 real stars of wood, 1914 Benz and a Boat-tailed Rolls
I couldn't find my post so borrowed my partners on the same show...Check it out




Mission Impossible - Ghost Car

The BMW is getting its money's worth with the release of the latest MI4-Ghost Protocol
The Efficient Dynamics BMW concept car (dubbed i8) is a hit with switchblade doors and more









Thursday, December 22, 2011

Draw a Stickman

Sent to me in email, a great site...start with this

Ready for Christmas

Ok, since I don't a family to "fuss" over at the holidays, I barely decorate.  I have 2 cats and a tree wouldn't make it overnight...LOL  So, even though I am not a Bah Humbug person, I love this "Redneck" version of a tree.


Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Hump Day Humor, Car Fails

These are just a few re-posts from Cheezburger







A Strong Mind

If you can read the following then you have a strong mind.
A brain study (by unknown organization) showed the amazing power of
our thinking process and how, with little information, we can make sense of a mess.
This may actually explain why some people are never diagnosed with dyslexia.

7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O  PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3  B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17  4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 
0NLY C3R741N  P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15. 

This can also explain how the brain compensates automatically.  I had laser eye surgery many years ago and the doc said (due to my age, yuk) that I would need "mono-vision" correction.  So one of my eyes was corrected for near (reading, computers, etc.) and the other for distance.  He told me that in a short time my brain would "blend" the two and allow me to see both.  It took about 2-3 weeks, but it really did happen and I couldn't believe how well it worked.

We really are amazing creatures with so much potential for good.  Use it or lose it.

Hope for Change

Hope for change in the year to come..

Hadn't seen anything like this before, just move
the mouse over the picture and watch what happens..
It's up to you

Christmas Cards

I don't know about you, but I send less cards each year (receive less too)
I'm sure some is due to cost of postage, time and the pressures of daily life..

Got this in email and I just wanted to share...

I have a list of people I know, all logged in my computer,
And now at Christmas time I have gone to take a look.
And that is when I realize that these names are a part,
 Not of the computer they're stored in, but of my heart. 



For each name stands for someone who has crossed my path sometime,
And in that meeting they've become the rhythm in each rhyme.
And while it sounds fantastic for me to make this claim,
I feel that I'm composed of each remembered name. 


And while you may not be aware of any special link,
Just meeting you has changed my life, a lot more than you think! 

For when I do a Christmas E-mail that is addressed to you,
It's because you're on the list of people I'm indebted to. 

And whether I have known you for many years or few,
In some way you have been a part of shaping things I do.
And now that Christmas has come, I realize anew,
The best gift life can offer is meeting people like you.

~author unknown~



For all those people I think about, but haven't kept up with...Thank You!