Hump Day Humor, Been Saving

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I realized that I don't really give a rat's ass. It's the tortoise life for me!

1.  If walking/cycling is good for your health,   the postman would be immortal.

2.  A whale swims all day, only eats fish,   drinks water, and is fat. 
3.  A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4.  A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing,  yet it lives for 450 years.

             And you tell me to exercise??  I don't think so.

                             I'm retired.  Go around me! 

SIPPING VODKA
	This is too funny - I still have tears in my eyes!  Finally, a chain letter that I don't mind forwarding.
	It's funny (don't break chain)
	A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.  After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
	The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
	So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice..  At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink..  He proceeded to talk up a storm.
	Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
	1)  Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
	2)  There are 10 commandments, not 12.
	3)  There are 12 disciples, not 10.
	4)  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
	5)  Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
	6)  We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
	7)  The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
	8)  David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
	9)  When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
	10)  We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
	11)  When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body."   He did not say,"Eat me."
	12)  The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
	13)  The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
	14)  Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.